Hall of Mald

Aceofheats.com is proud to bring you a list of the highest ranking Malders in the world. Each one of them has proven themselves worthy of being on this list. Their malding abilities remain unmatched.

#1 Average

https://steamcommunity.com/id/BetterThanAverage

(February 2022): At a close number two in our prestigious list is Average. Average here considers himself Average at everything, even malding! However, this is not the case. We have seen time and time again that Average has gotten mad for no apparent reason and flaunted not only his "skills" in CSGO but also his inventory. What a legend. As decreed by the laws of Office, skins do not equal skill.

As per Figure 2 on the left, we can see how malders such as Average attempt prove their worth. In a desperate bid to gain recognition and place himself above his peers, despite being utterly defeated by Aceofheats, he challenges players to a 1v1 and lists the individuals he supposedly beat as well as those who were "too pathetic to face him", in other words, too smart for his bullshit. Average would also never show who bested him in such a 1v1 as he is indeed a malder. Despite his best efforts, Average remains a clinical malder. He has fallen to the point where any action, whether he wins or loses, causes him a considerable amount of hair loss. These are especially concentrated to the front of his head. An unfortunate byproduct of this is his dramatically receding hairline, his forehead often being compared to a vast ocean.

Fun fact: A member of Aceofheats was once challenged to a 1v1 by Average. After getting trolled by said Aceofheats member for the better part of a week, Average cut his losses and gave up. That member has still to this day not been added to the list of Pathetic Players despite being quite the pathetic player. Mr. Average, on the other hand, has now lost his eyebrows as a consequence of these trolling activities.

Update 18/03/2023: For the first time in Aceofheats history, we have had to adjust the ranking. Distinguished among his peers, the great Average has usurped Master Malder as the king of unfathomable rage. After over a year of radio silence, he emerged from his mancave to deliver a terrifying message to Aceofheats correspondent tomatron3000: a message of bitterness, seething and pure mald. Unable to cope with his loss to Aceofheats approximately 2 years ago, he now felt that he had garnered the strength necessary to face off against Aceofheats once more. However, instead of logical reasoning, Average brought twice the mald and half the brains in his arsenal. It appears as though he may have lost his frontal lobe during his hiatus. This action today has set himself apart from his competitors and the Aceofheats Mald Committee unanimously voted him as the new Top Malder.

#2 Master.M

https://steamcommunity.com/id/MasterM1337

Master.M, or as he is known among enthusiasts: Master Mald, is a First Class malder. There is talk of legends that claim he is already bald. His complete lack of self awareness and short temper allowed him to soar to the top and there is no doubt, regardless of his current hair situation, that he will soon achieve his goal of reaching complete baldness.

Groundbreaking studies from numerous prestigious institutions done by leading neurologists point to some sort of gene present in pre-historic Germanic Neanderthal DNA and modern-day Germans who sadly suffer from chronic malding. The studies suggest that as some 40% of German males suffer from this and estimations even go upwards of 80%. We are still not sure what exactly causes this strange mald phenomenon but hopefully in time we can better understand these individuals and help them overcome their obsession with pulling hair out of their scalp. Some solace can be found in the fact that Master Mald has accepted his fate and admitted to being a malder, as can be seen from his namesake.

Update: as of 22/10/2022, Master Mald has been permanently banned from CS:GO. Rest in piss bozo, you will not be missed.

#3 Наташа

https://steamcommunity.com/id/m1n4enk0v

This Russian individual is a chronic malder. He is obsessed with laughing and calling people bots despite losing the game heavily, suggesting that he himself may actually be the bot. Anonymous sources that claim to be close to him have shared with Aceofheats that he is slightly demented. It is assumed that this developed as a consequence of his frequent hair-pulling causing large stress on his frontal lobe.

If you encounter this malder, proceed with caution. He has no regard for which language he is trying to communicate and only has the letters "a", "x" and "b" "o" "t" on his keyboard (how he is able to play the game with only these keys is beyond the scope of understanding of Aceofheats' leading scientists). Unfortunately he has dedicated a lot of time to learning how to type the same sentence over and over again instead of actually developing useful skills such as killing enemies in CS:GO. Another problem with this individual is his lack of cognitive skills. As you can see, he lost 16-5 and even rage quit before the last round ended, abandoning his team in the process. Dropping a whopping 9 kills to 18 deaths and leaving your team to suffer is a truly pathetic display. If you meet this man in the halls of Office, please remind him to WAKE UP and play the game.

#4 egorbukin48

https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561198959130178

Yet another Russian malder has been discovered in the depths of the office queues. This particular hair-losing individual simply could not fathom that someone on the opposing team is more skilled at the game than him, despite not even being the best player on his own team. Therefore, he resorted to cheating accusations and crying in the game chat as opposed to getting over it. Since his Russian pea-brain simply could not handle this fact, after the game was finished (having rage-quit before the final round ended), he went onto the profiles of three humble Aceofheats members to continue to spread his cancerous comments. Quotes such as "you sit and rat on no-primes" and "you're pathetic on know primes sweating" are classic examples of his low IQ on display. Similar to many other Russians, he fails to see the irony within his own words. Off the back of an embarassing failure in Ukraine, this Russian has now slunk back into the dark hallways of office in an effort to cope with the failures of himself and his people. A truly futile effort.

If you happen to run into this deranged lunatic in a competitive session of office, watch your step as he may accuse you of cheating for simply breathing.

#5 гавнелик (and friends)

https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561198352282476

Once again, the malding skills of Russian individuals are unparalleled. After a statistically strong CT-side on cs_office of 8:7 in their favor, гавнелик and his friends could not contain themselves and felt the chronic urge to spam "dont cry". This behaviour was likely due to now being on the T-side of cs_office, a notoriously T-sided map. As a result, these silly bozos likely thought they would have the win in the bag. Unbeknownst to them, they were about get absolutely shit on, ultimately winning only 3 T rounds before being handed the L. After an already pathetic display of self control, these mongoloids now began to spam cheating accusations. They clearly lack the brain capacity to realize that some opponents are simply better. Upon realizing that this was not working, their original plan of spamming "dont cry". Unfortunately, as seen in the match result on the left, their constant crying telling others to not cry (unfathomably irony displayed by all office players) was ultimately futile and Aceofheats continues to reign supreme.

If you or anybody you know suffers from malding please reach out. Malding can be a destructive habit that can break relationships and cause stress, not to mention balding at any age. If you would like to help fight the mald then please donate to aceofheats.com. Together we can get your hair back.

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